My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
