i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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