I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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