video games are the ultimate cock blocker
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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