Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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