This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
