I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
