i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
