He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
