Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
