I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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