now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
