in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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