This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
