You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
