my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
