the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
wanna go halves on a baby?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
