Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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