Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
