The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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