I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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