Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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