im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
