What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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