Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
