he wants to bone in the snuggie
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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