I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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