Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
