I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
