oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
