You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
