You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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