I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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