So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
