Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
