How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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