so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
