So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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