tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
