Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
