WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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