dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
