I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
