I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
