I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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