Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
