I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
