Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I take back everything I said about communal showers
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
