So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
