tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
