yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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