you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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